Couple who fell in love in virtual world to wed in real life

Trapped in a loveless marriage with a controlling husband, Kristen Birkin found herself seeking comfort in an online virtual world.

When the 33-year-old realized she hadn't been on a night out with friends for more than a decade she found another way to escape.

She managed to save enough money for a computer and within minutes had logged on to Second Life, a 3D virtual world where she could escape her lonely existence by making friends and regaining the social life she had missed out on for so long.

But it wasn't long before she found more than friendship and the confidence to leave her partner.

Kristen, from Warwickshire, England, said: "My real life was diabolical so I just wanted an escape. "I thought I'd be in the relationship I was in forever. I couldn't see a way of getting out of it. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere. He'd always ask 'how long are you going to be' and 'where are you' so in the end I thought I'd get a computer. Second Life came along and then bang."

It didn't take the mother of one long to find her feet in the virtual world and create her on-line character, Kira.

Each character is represented by a 3D image known as an avatar. "The avatar I am now is quite stunning," she said.

"She is everything I should have been years ago, slim and attractive. I finally felt I could be who I wanted to be. I felt stronger."

Within a week on the site, which is estimated to have been used by four million people since it was created three years ago, Kira met Nik, a character with long black hair and broad shoulders.

Nik, a 47-year-old sales advisor, whose real name is Steve Sweet, was living more than 170 miles away on the Kent coast with his wife of 24 years. It wasn't long before Steve's wife became suspicious.

Nik and Kira had been spending more and more time together and had made the decision to set up a virtual home.

Kristen said: "As time went on and I met Nik my feelings grew. I was in control again and I got the old me back. I got my life back.

"In real life we lived in small houses and it always rains but in Second Life we've got a big house and live by the beach."

It was when Steve's wife spotted him with Kira online that she began to ask questions about their relationship.

Steve said: "We were both in relationships and we both had issues with those relationships but there is no way I would have had an affair behind my partner's back.

"Eventually there were suspicions. There was one occasion I was in our house in Second Life and there were pictures of Nik and Kira on the wall holding each other and my ex-partner saw them. She looked at it and said 'are you having an affair?'

"I just went cold and said it's a computer game don't be silly, what could possibly be going on?"

Five months after meeting online Kristen and Steve decided to meet in real life. It was then Steve realised he had to do make a decision about his future and two weeks later he moved in with Kira and her 12-year-old Sam.

He said: "It sounds terrible to say but I was in a relationship for 24 years and it got to the point where I had to do something.

"I think I did the right thing and that was to leave my ex-partner, move in with Kristen and create the least amount of hurt I could in the process. I think I've done it as well as I could have."

Nik and Kira decided to take their relationship one step further by getting married online.

They pair had exchanged photographs and been chatting online for just over 10 weeks when they exchanged vows and rings.

Kristen said: "You do everything you would do in real life like chose the dress, chose the flowers, chose the venue."

The couple uploaded their own voices to exchange the vows they had written themselves.

Steve said: "As we stand hand in hand gazing into our future this is the beginning of a dream. I've been waiting all my life for you Kira. You complete me."

Kira followed his vows by saying: "You are my friend, my love, my soulmate, the half which my makes me whole. You fill my soul with your sun and lift me up to new heights of happiness."

Kristen and Steve are now engaged to be married in real life and are expecting their first child together.

Having found happiness they don't log on to Second Life as much as they used to but completely understand why people do.

"People we speak to in Second Life complain about real life getting in the way of their Second Life time. Given the choice they would almost live there permanently," said Steve.

One person who can't understand is Lee from Bensalem, America. He has been forced to sleep in the living room of his own home because his wife Carolyn spends all night socialising on the site.

He said: "She was what I was looking for in a woman, caring, sensitive and outgoing.

"All of a sudden everything became very secretive. I just knew at that point something was going on.

"I knew something was different the first time I wasn't allowed in my own bedroom. I was pushed out .

"She was like 'no, no, no, you can't come in.' She pushed me out and shut the door. She came out a few minutes later but wouldn't tell me what was going on."

For Carolyn, Second Life offered an escape more seductive than the real world. She found comfort in the virtual world after staying at home to care for her four children for nine years sent her into a spiral of depression.

Before long she was spending up to 14 hours a day on Second Life and spending very little time with her two daughters and two sons.

Carolyn, 37, said: "I would cry while I was doing the laundry or the dishes. I was definitely depressed. I was looking for something but not knowing what I was looking for.

"I made my avatar pretty quickly. I really put my personality into the character. I wasn't just a housewife anymore. I thought this is just amazing,

"It seemed like there were so many things that could happen in there. It felt like being re-born again. The possibilities were just endless."

It wasn't long before Carolyn met Ken, a man called Elliot who lives in London in real life.

She said: "I have been pretty open with my experiences. I don't tell them everything but I don't hide anything either. In the beginning my girls would say I was playing Barbie. "They couldn't understand I was changing my clothes and doing this and that and I would say it's just like Barbie.

"When they first started to realise I was hanging out with this one particular Ken I just said that's Barbie's boyfriend. They could relate to that."

Carolyn met Ken when he invited her to meet face to face on Second Life "I got an invitation to come see him and I just took it right away, " she said.

"I dropped down in front of him and said 'oh my god.' It was just like any other type of connection you would make with somebody.

"I enjoyed his presence. It's something that would make my heart beat a little faster, that made me curious to know what he was about, how he felt and what he thought.

"One time he said I'm going to take you out for diner. They felt like real dates. He was very open with me from the very beginning. I just beamed and I wanted more. I felt very special."

Carolyn's obsession left Lee and the children craving her attention. She told Lee her online boyfriend was no threat, but he wasn't convinced.

Lee said: "She would say Second Life had nothing to do with what was going on between us.

"One of the things she told me one time was 'I want to be able to do and see and experience things I can't while I'm married to you.'

"I love my wife. She is a beautiful woman, a little confused. The boys know but the girls are completely clueless. The boys are angry but of course they still love their mother.

"To have my 13-year-old son say to me if I wasn't born mum would be happier because then she could do what she wants is horrible."

His concerns didn't stop Carolyn getting closer and closer to Ken. "It kind of hit me before I realised exactly what was happening," said Carolyn.

" I just fell into it as though it was natural. Every once in a while I would peak with real emotion where I would miss him or need to talk to him or just want him to hold me.

"I thought if it feels good, it must be good and I'm just going to keep doing it."

In London, Elliot was experiencing the same emotions. He said "She was usually quite scantily clad. It was a bit different and I was quite attracted to that.

"She's a very open and honest person and I felt like I could talk to her about anything.

"I'm not one to hold back because I don't see the point in wasting time. I completely fell for her.'

Carolyn and Elliot even managed to find a way to have virtual sex on the site.

Carolyn said: "It's human nature to want that human touch. That will constantly eat at you.

"It's like having a cookie sitting right there. You can get so far, you can almost taste it, you can see how good it is but you can't get it and that's tormenting.

"Ninety-five percent of sex is in the brain so you can make it something really incredible.
I would keep him up until it was 6am his time."

Before long Elliot began putting pressure on Carolyn to move to the UK to be with him.

Carolyn said: "He was very insistent on how he wanted to have things so we would argue and fight.

"We would break up a lot. It was emotionally exhausting but just like any other relationship you have to forgive and forget."

Eventually Carolyn made the decision to visit Elliot despite husband Lee's feelings.

He said: "She'll say it's all role play. Role-play is one thing but where she took it wasn't role-play it was real.

"If she chooses to go and be with Elliot while we are still married that will be the day I cease to treat her as my wife. One thing is to chat or look at someone through a webcam but when you physically go and meet them that crosses the line.

" I don't know one man that would be okay with his wife sleeping around. I'm not stupid. When a guy meets a girl they're not going to crochet or trade baking secrets."

Carolyn's hopes and dreams of a whirlwind romance with Elliot came crashing down around her when she landed in England however.

Elliot refuses to show her affection and after a few days sightseeing she boards a flight home.

Elliot said: "I just decided it wasn't right. It's the same as in real life the first year or so you're together with someone it's all absolutely amazing but then it slows down.

"I think it's just a natural progression but for me it just slowed down a bit too much I think.

"Nothing has happened and nothing will happen so I think it's sort of an unsaid thing really on my part anyway. Apart from that it's just been like having a friend over for a holiday. It's been fun.

"I was in love with her but as in a lot of relationships things don't work out and that's what happened with us. I don't even know if we'll ever see each other again."

Carolyn said: "Most people wouldn't dare to open that Pandora's box but I have to go with what feels right.

"I had more hopes that it could be carried outside of Second Life. It was like finding a diamond in the store that you want so bad but could never afford and then the assistant puts it on your finger and says you can take it home for the weekend. It's better than nothing. I can't keep it but I can have it for a little while.

"I wish I could feel connected and in love back in my marriage again. If I could push a button that's what I would do.

"If you could just take everything that spoiled it and somehow turn it 180 degrees it would be great, but it's not that simple."

Lee is determined to get his marriage back on track and the couple are now giving family life another go.

He said: "No matter what happens to her she'll always have me."

Since meeting Carolyn in the flesh Elliot has started a relationship with a woman he met in real life. The couples were filmed for BBC 2 documentary Wonderland: Virtual Adultery and Cyberspace Love.

By Kim Gregory, Jan 31 2008 © Copyright 2008 - Showbiz Spy